Tag Archives: suicide

I want you to hate me

Flash 24
Author’s comments:  If I get enough requests I will write something cheerful… until then, enjoy…

When I unpacked the box and found the letter at the bottom, I felt a wave of cold nausea sweep over me. I was convinced I had thrown it away but then a lot of what happened around that time is less than clear. I felt like I had been living my life in a giant version of one of those hamster balls. Rolling around, encased in slightly opaque plastic, unable to fully control my direction.

Maybe I had just hidden it from myself. It wasn’t like I needed to keep it. I still know every single word written on that piece of paper. When I first found it, I had opened it eagerly, surprised to find a hand-written letter from him. I had assumed he was trying to recapture some of the romance that had gone out of our relationship. And then I had read it and re-read it, over and over again, believing possibly that if I read it just one more time the words would change and they would say something different.

I suppose I also believed that if I just sat there reading the letter that I wouldn’t have to deal with the future that he had irrevocably changed for me. After that no matter how much time passed or how far I ran, the words followed me. They echoed in my head as I lay in bed trying to sleep night after night.

I smoothed the envelope back and forth in my hand like a talisman, flicking the back flap open and closed reflexively. I knew opening the letter again would be like plucking that day out of my memories and reliving it. The words would flay me where I stood. This time I should throw it away for real. I should rip it apart. Burn it. But even now I can’t shake the feeling that if I just read it one more time that the words would have changed and that none of it would have happened… and so I opened it.

Juliet,

One day when people find out what happened in your life they will try to tell you that it wasn’t your fault. They’ll tell you I was crazy. And maybe I am. But this IS your fault. I don’t want you to forget that, ever. YOU made me do this.

I know all about you and Craig. I know that every night when you said you were working late, you were with him. Those were the nights when our children asked me where their mother was and why she never came home for supper anymore and I had to lie… for you.

I thought I could live with it for their sakes but I saw how you changed. Don’t think I didn’t notice the hidden boxes of new lingerie or how you spent hours getting ready for work. I know I wasn’t the perfect husband but I loved you and I took care of you. If you had just told me what was bothering you then we could have fixed it but now it’s too late.

I though about leaving you but I know that the courts would never give me custody, even though you’re a liar and a cheat. I didn’t want to give you the freedom of getting rid of me and having our children with you. I don’t think I could live like that. And so I’m not going to leave you. If you come down to the basement you’ll see that I’ve decided to end my life right here… with you, in our house forever.

I didn’t think it would be fair for our children to grow up without a father because of your selfishness so I’ve decided to take them with me and keep them safe, away from you. We’re all here downstairs together at peace without you.

I want you to hate me, Juliet. Just as I’ve grown to hate you.

Happy anniversary.
Liam