Over the weekend, my friend Y came to visit. We decided to watch a film one evening and I got to pick. I thought why not Aquaman, after all Jason Momoa is hotter than Satan’s balls. What could go wrong?
Lighthouse keeper, Tom Curry (Temuera Morrison) finds an injured woman on the beach and decides to keep her. It turns out she’s Atlanna (Nicole Kidman), an Atlantian princess on the run from an arranged marriage she’s not so keen on. Tom and Atlanna fall in love and have a baby but the Atlantian’s won’t let her go so easily and she’s forced to return and leave baby Arthur with his father.
Arthur grows up to be Jason Momoa, a hard drinking fisherman who does rescues on the side, talks to fish and can breathe underwater. Happy days! But then his half brother, Orm (Patrick Wilson) declares war on the land dwellers because they keep polluting the ocean and Princess Mera (Amber Heard) decides to seek Arthur out to unite the two worlds and stop the carnage.
So as you can see it is a totally unique story about a reluctant chosen one who must overcome his own self-doubt and mommy issues to save the world.
Jason Momoa really is hotter than the sun and extremely charismatic but he can’t save pancake flat dialogue or the dead behind the eyes performances of both Heard and Kidman.
There is something inescapably silly about humanoid-fish fighting on giant seahorses with tridents, which doesn’t work with the film’s largely po-faced tone. If they’d have decided to go full Ragnarok, Aquaman might have been brilliant but instead it’s one of the most tedious things I have seen in a long time. I remember turning to Y at one point and asking her if we’d been watching this film for 4 hours… it turned out it was only an hour and a half and we had over half an hour to go. I also don’t think it helps that Orm has a fairly good point. Surface dwellers are polluting arseholes and we probably do deserve to be wiped out.
Anyway, if you enjoy Jason Momoa as much as I do, put this on with the sound off and listen to a lovely audiobook about deep sea creatures instead, or whale noises or silence because all of those would be better than the dialogue on this film. If you don’t enjoy Jason Momoa, do not watch this film. Watch anything else.
1/5 – for Jason Momoa’s cheeky smile.