Film Friday #232

San Andreas (2015) 

So basically there is a MEGA earthquake in California and The Rock, who is a helicopter rescue pilot. abandons his post to rescue first his almost ex-wife (Carla Gugino) and then both of them go looking for their daughter (Alexandra Daddario) so they can save her too. Meanwhile the daughter has hooked up with a British guy (Hugo Johnstone-Burt) and his little brother, Rickon Stark (Art Parkinson) who are also trying to survive falling buildings, tsunamis and douche bag potential step-fathers. All of this because no one would listen to Paul Giamatti when he said everything was going to go tits up… although there is no evidence that he tried to tell anyone there was going to be an earthquake until there actually was one and they all listened to him. There are loads of things wrong with San Andreas. It is ridiculously sanitised… I mean people are dying and being chopped to bits left right and centre and you never actually see any bodies or body parts even when The Rock is ploughing a speedboat through a lake of detritus. It is packed with ludicrous coincidences and nonsensical survivals. Ioan Gruffud’s character goes from perfectly fine to complete cockwomble so quickly it will make your head spin. And it’s kind of hard to figure out what genetic input a half Samoan-half African-American man had into Alexandra Daddario in all her blue eyed, milky-skinned, uber-Caucasian glory but I digress. I didn’t hate San Andreas because although it was as much a disaster area as it was a disaster movie, what it wasn’t was boring. It was dumb and over-the-top all the way to it’s fluttering American flag and prayer circle ending but if you go in and turn your brain off and ask nothing from it but epic scenes of shit going horribly wrong (and Kylie Minogue falling out of a building) you will not be disappointed although you might be emotionally manipulated. 3/5

The Rock suddenly wondered if maybe that milkman who looked just like his daughter may have spent more time hanging out with his wife than he realised

The Rock suddenly wondered if maybe that milkman who looked just like his daughter may have spent more time hanging out with his wife than he realised

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983)

Return of the Jedi starts with Han Solo (Harrison Ford) still in the clutches of Jabba the Hutt, which means a daring rescue on the part of Leia (Carrie Fisher), Luke (Mark Hamill), Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew), Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams) and the droids is on the required. Meanwhile the Empire is busy constructing an even deadlier Death Star, which the Rebel Alliance will have to destroy if they’re going to have any chance of destroying their enemies for good. Han and Leia head off to the planet of Endor to attempt a strike on the Death Star while Luke seeks out Darth Vader convinced that he can appeal to his better nature. At the same time Vader convinces Emperor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) that he can turn his son to the dark side. This final (so far) installment of the Star Wars franchise is really exciting it loses some of the grittiness of The Empire Strikes Back and it’s my least favourite of the lot. The Ewoks are cute but their addition is a bit weird and silly and a distraction from the real battle between Luke and Darth Vader’s (David Prowse) true natures. It’s a fitting end to an epic story leaving enough unanswered questions about the past to warrant a future exploration. 4/5

fiERRJFWEI

No, I don’t need helmet shining tips

 Before I Go to Sleep (2014)

[MAJOR SPOILERS] Christine (Nicole Kidman) has suffered a brutal attack which has left her with a short term memory problem. She wakes up every morning and everything from the last fourteen years is erased. She doesn’t remember her husband, Ben (Colin Firth) or anything about her life. By following the clues she has left for herself she discovers that she has been seeing a psychiatrist, Dr Nasch (Mark Strong), who is helping her try to uncover her memories… and Ben doesn’t know. Slowly Christine starts to have fleeting flashbacks from her past but when she asks Ben about them he is cagey making her wonder if she can trust him or anyone else. My experience of this film was a lot like my experience of the book it was based on, which makes me wonder why I bothered to watch it. The concept is pretty interesting and Kidman, Firth and Strong are as on point as ever but there are plot holes you can drive a bus through. (Here begin the spoilers). Basically Ben isn’t Christine’s husband, he’s actually the man who attacked her pretending to be her husband so he can be with her because he’s a nutter. I can’t believe that he actually managed to get her out of the hospital, “forged documents” whatever, or that he’s managing to actually havea full career with a fake identity especially as a teacher… and how is he affording their fancy house on a teacher’s salary? And then there’s Dr Nasch who I am sure would not be allowed to treat this vulnerable person without the permission of her husband and how did he get into contact with her in the first place? Christine has zero family and only one friend (who does have a valid reason for not seeing her recently) and her actual ex-husband has never contacted her or brought their son to see her once in fourteen years… could he possibly be such a massive douche? Anyway if you can get past all those plot craters you might enjoy this film, if not the silliness can’t be compensated no matter how stylish you make a thriller look. 2/5

Nicole Kidman was having trouble recognising herself in old photos

Nicole Kidman was having trouble recognising herself in old photos

Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000)

After a crazy night of “shibbying”, Jesse (Ashton Kutcher) and Chester (Seann William Scott) wake up to discover that they can’t remember anything about the night before and they also can’t find Jesse’s car. Plus their girlfriends (Jennifer Garner and Marla Sokloff) are furious with them because they’ve forgotten their anniversary. Now the two best friends will have to piece things together, figure out what happened and save their relationships. This leads to a wacky adventure that involves aliens, ostriches, tattoos, tracksuits, Chinese food and a fifty foot woman. So this movie is dumb… super dumb… like the dumbest movie I have seen in years. While a couple of dumb best friends can be enjoyable if they’re endearing, think Bill and Ted, and the unpicking of the crazy night out is a fun trope if done well, think the first Hangover film, this movie just takes everything a step too far over the gross and ridiculous line. Jesse and Chester are complete assholes and everything that happens is tinged with sexism and misogyny. The only funny scene in the whole film is when they attempt to order Chinese food and the person controlling the drive thru just keeps yelling, “And then?!” Avoid… like the plague. 0/5

fefe

What do you mean neither of us has a glittering movie career ahead?

28 Comments

  1. I really want to call someone a ‘cockwomble’ now!!

    1. abbiosbiston

      You should.

        1. abbiosbiston

          And you’re an asshat!

  2. theipc

    Alexandra Daddario………………….? I’m listening.

    1. abbiosbiston

      Unfortunately no full boobs although they swing around in her tight, wet t-shirt an awful lot… especially if shell out for 3D.

      1. theipc

        HA!! I’ll probably watch this when it’s out on VOD : )

  3. I completely agree with the 0/5 for Dude. And I’m disappointed to hear that San Andreas went all woo ‘Merica.

    1. abbiosbiston

      Really? I would have thought the bit where they get rewarded by the aliens with their girlfriends’ boobs getting bigger would have been enough to offend any woman into a low score. That and when you get to see up the 50ft woman’s dress.

      San Andreas isn’t too bad. It’s only really the last 10 minutes that are like that.

      1. I wasn’t too interested in San Andreas, I just kept seeing trailers for it before every Mad Max. Looked like something I could wait to Netflix anyway.

        Lol, did you misread? I *hated* Dude.

        1. abbiosbiston

          Oh I so did! Sorry!! Eep. San Andreas is totally skippable but if you are going to bother the big screen helps.

          1. I’d rather go see Mad Max again anyway. 😁

  4. Someone should do a Dude, Where’s My Car/San Andreas crossover. Now, that would be good!

    1. abbiosbiston

      And it would weirdly make sense…

  5. Ha, love it! I kind of want to see San Andreas now!

    1. abbiosbiston

      It’s really dumb but fun. If you want a popcorn movie that requires almost no concentration this is the one for you.

  6. Another comment! Just finished Before I Go to Sleep. I made sure not to read your spoilers first. It’s not the plot holes that bother me–it’s that Nicole Kidman looks so haggard. Such a reminder of my own mortality. I need some Practical Magic now!

    1. abbiosbiston

      Yeah she’s not looking as good as she used to. I actually think if she put on some weight it would help.

  7. I love your Film Friday’s.

    1. abbiosbiston

      Thank you X

  8. I’ve managed to avoid DWMC for many years and will continue doing so. I may be seeing San Andreas soon, though. Loved your review of it!

    1. abbiosbiston

      I think you have chosen exactly the right strategy for DWMC! I think you’ll enjoy San Andreas if you go in expecting a big, dumb disaster movie. As we say in the UK, “it does exactly what it says on the tin!”

  9. nice list this week…. at least u enjoyed Jedi 🙂

    BIGTS was actually a great idea, just didnt work as well as it could have.

    1. abbiosbiston

      I think half the problem is the source material. The novel starts out really well but it becomes so implausible towards the end that you lose all the credibility that it initially built up.

  10. MIB

    This will be a controversial opinion but I thought “Dude” was more preferable to “Hangover”… :/

    I had to Google this Alexandra Daddario after the comments made here and I found a woman who is almost 30! The Rock and Carla Gugino are both only 43 in real life so were they extremely young teen parents?? 😮

    1. abbiosbiston

      To each their own. I thought Hangover was marginally less insulting to women and a lot funnier.

      In the film she is supposed to be 18 so they could realistically be her parents and she actually does look like she could be late teens/early 20s.

  11. “And theeeeeeen????” was the best thing about that stupid ass movie. Ugh.

    1. abbiosbiston

      It really is so dumb it’s insulting. They haven’t bothered to be even vaguely subtle about it. I don’t think a movie that blatant would get made now so I guess it shows that we have made some progress.

abbiosbiston is listening...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s