Anyone who reads this blog regularly will know that over the last year I have lost a lot of weight. While this has been going on I have put my focus on the changes that have happened to my body, which has completely changed shaped. I haven’t always been overweight so there were large parts of my life where I was much slimmer than I am now. This is the first time I have ever been fit or muscular though and my body as it is now is completely foreign to me.
From every bit of propaganda the media has fed me and I am supposed to be ecstatic right now and feel superior to everyone who is larger than me and be completely fulfilled. I won’t deny that it is nice to feel fit and strong and healthy but I also feel very, very confused. I was posting my outfit of the week blog last week and was about to put my usual tags on it of “fashion” and “plus sized fashion” when I realised that on the smaller side of a UK 16 (US 12), I am no longer classed as “plus size”. Now I don’t really know what I am. (If you ask the NHS they would still say borderline obese but we’ll leave that as another debate). I have found myself a wonderful community of gorgeous, plus sized fashion bloggers and now I feel like I don’t really belong and that I can’t really join in on conversations or questions around weight and dressing to accentuate your fat fabulosity because I don’t have the right. It makes me really sad. I don’t feel at home with the “normal” bloggers and it’s still much easier to identify with fat friendly bloggers.
I am also finding any kind of shopping a baffling and distressing experience. I used to mostly shop online and my favourite shop was ASOS Curve. I still lust after their ranges, which I think are better than normal ASOS… but everything starts at size 20. I used to know what suited my body, what size I was online at my favourite shops and which few high street shops stocked clothes that would fit me. Now shopping is completely overwhelming. I have no idea what suits me or where to start. There are too many options and I have had to part with loads of my clothes that I really wasn’t ready to because I still loved them.
Then there’s the invisibility that comes with being an overweight woman. To a large part of the population you’re just a complete blind spot. Being noticed again is weird and uncomfortable and I still don’t recognise myself in the mirror.
All of this probably just sounds like unnecessary whining. After all isn’t everything supposed to be better when you’re thinner? But I can’t be the only person who has had a real shock to the system after losing weight or has felt confused about their identity. Although I have every intention of continuing on my journey to become a healthier version of myself and to keep building my biceps because I like flexing them, I think it will be some time before I stop missing my bigger self.
Disclaimer: These are my personal feelings about my weight loss. They are not intended to represent anyone else’s feelings about their body or anyone else’s body or about weight loss, weight gain or size.