My top 10 movie love rats

There’s one movie archetype character that we all love to hate… and that’s the love rat. You all know who I mean… the one who screws around on their partner, has no consideration for anyone’s feelings but their own and basically gives love a bad name. In this post I’ve pulled together some of the most dastardly playas the  big screen has ever known.

The-Graduate-5111_9Benjamin Braddock
Played by: Dustin Hoffman
Film:  The Graduate (1967)
The crime: After shagging his dad’s business partner’s wife, Benj, proceeds to fall for her daughter and then stalk her.
Level: Subway rat
Likelihood of rehabilitation: 5/10
Benjamin: Listen to me. What happened between Mrs. Robinson and me was nothing. It didn’t mean anything. We might just as well have been shaking hands.
Mr. Robinson: Shaking hands? Well, that’s not saying much for my wife, is it?

sliding-door-scena-film-300x170Gerry
Played by: John Lynch
Film: Sliding Doors (1998)
The crime: Shagging his editor while living off his oblivious pregnant girlfriend
Level: House rat
Likelihood of rehabilitation: 3/10
“Gerry: [looking in the mirror] Are you some peculiar, thus far undefined breed of dickhead. You have two head problems. One, that was close, very close. Put in layman’s terms, she nearly caught you. Two, and this is far more worrying than the first one, you’re talking to yourself in the mirror again. Really bad sign.”

Sebastian-sebastian-valmont-25442180-300-172Sebastian Valmont
Played by: Ryan Phillipe
Film: Cruel Intentions (1999)
The crime: Shagging pretty much everyone, while lusting after his step sister and keeping a diary of all his exploits.
Level: Cane rat
Likelihood of rehabilitation: 9/10
“Sebastian: I have a reputation to uphold.
Kathryn: Oh, but diddling the therapist’s daughter is a challenge.
Sebastian: [grinning] She was overcharging.”

scotty-doesn-t-know-eurotrip-1079563_397_320Fiona
Played by: Kristin Kreuk
Film: EuroTrip (2004)
The crime: Cheating on her boyfriend, Scotty, with the lead singer of Lustra and letting him find out through the performance of a song about it at their graduation party.
Level: Ratt (the band)
Likelihood of rehabilitation: 2/10
“I can’t believe he’s so trusting
While I’m right behind you thrusting
Fiona’s got him on the phone
And she’s trying not to moan
It’s a three-way call and he knows nothing, nothing!

pirates_caraibesElizabeth Swann
Played by: Keira Knightley
Films: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006), Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007)
The crime: Promised to Commander Norrington, Elizabeth takes up with blacksmith’s apprentice, Will Turner, while constantly using the fact that Jack Sparrow is in love with her to her advantage
Level:  Pi-rat
Likelihood of rehabilitation: 4/10
“Will Turner: You left Jack to the kraken.
Elizabeth Swann: He’s rescued now, it’s done with.
[pause]
Elizabeth Swann: Will, I had no choice.
Will Turner: You chose not to tell me.
Elizabeth Swann: I couldn’t. It wasn’t your burden to bear.
Will Turner: But I did bear it, didn’t I? I just didn’t know what it was. I thought…
Elizabeth Swann: You thought I loved him.
[Elizabeth tries to push past Will]
Will Turner: [Will blocks her exit and pushes her back against the pillar of the cabin] If you make your choices alone… how can I trust you?
Elizabeth Swann: [pause] You can’t.”

James Bond From Russia With LoveJames Bond
Played by: Sean Connery/Roger Moore/George Lazenby/Timothy Dalton/Pierce Brosnan/Daniel Craig
Films: Skyfall (2012), Quantum of Solace (2008), Casino Royale (2006), Die Another Day (2002), The World Is Not Enough (1999), Tomorrow Never Dies (1997), GoldenEye (1995), Licence to Kill (1989), The Living Daylights (1987), Never Say Never Again (1983), Octopussy (1983), For Your Eyes Only (1981), Moonraker (1979), The Spy Who Loved Me, The Man with the Golden Gun (1974), On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969), Goldfinger (1964), From Russia with Love (1963), Dr. No (1962)
The crime: Boning every ludicriously named woman who crosses his path while his secretary, Miss Moneypenny pines at home
Level: Genetically altered mutant rat
Likelihood of rehabilitation: 0/10
“James Bond: Well, I must say, I’ve had a lovely evening. You?
Xenia Onatopp: Once again the pleasure was all yours.

Fatal Attraction 1987 Adrian Lyne Michael Douglas Glenn CloseDan Gallagher
Played by: Michael Douglas
Film: Fatal Attraction (1987)
The crime: Cheating on his lovely wife with a sexy colleague who turns out to be batshit crazy and puts his entire family at risk
Level: Pet rat
Likelihood of rehabilitation: 8/10
“Alex Forrest: You’re here with a strange girl being a naughty boy.
Dan Gallagher: I don’t think having dinner with anybody’s a crime.

bridget-jones-diaryDaniel Cleaver
Played by: Hugh Grant
Films: Bridget Jones’s Diary (2001), Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
The crime: Seducing his co-worker Bridget Jones, cheating on her and then repeatedly trying to wander into her life and ruin it, when he’s not ordering prostitutes
Level: Sewer rat
Likelihood of rehabilitation: 1/10
“Bridget Jones: Daniel Cleaver is a deceitful, sexist, disgusting specimen of humanity that I wouldn’t share a lift with, let alone a job.
Daniel Cleaver: [swings around on his chair, coming into Bridget’s view] Oh, come on Jones there must have been something you liked about me.
Bridget Jones: You have a nice car. And – quite nice manners, outside the bedroom. But that’s about it. And by the way, I know exactly where Germany is. The question is, do you know the location of your arsehole?
[walks out]
Daniel Cleaver: [to other colleagues] As a matter of fact I do know the exact location of my arsehole. And hers, for that matter.”

SHELLEY WINTERS with Michael Caine , Vivien Merchant , Jane Asher and Julia Foster in Lewis Gilbert's production of Alfie 1965.(Credit Image: A© Gilloon/Globe Photos/ZUMAPRESS.com)Alfie
Played by: Michael Caine/Jude Law
Films: Alfie (1966), Alfie (2004)
The crime: Unrepentantly shagging his way around London while expecting his conquests to remain loyal to him
Level: King rat
Likelihood of rehabilitation: 5/10
“Alfie: My understanding of women only goes as far as the pleasure. When it comes to the pain I’m like any other bloke – I don’t want to know.

forgetting-sarah-marshall-2008-01Sarah Marshall
Played by: Kristen Bell
Film: Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
The crime: Dumping her long term boyfriend after cheating on him with rock star, Aldous Snow, and then trying to get him back after the relationship goes tits up
Level: Hood rat
Likelihood of rehabilitation: 5/10
“Sarah Marshall: [Peter can’t perform in bed] What’s wrong with you?
Peter Bretter: Nothing is *wrong* with me.
Sarah Marshall: Okay…
Peter Bretter: Just something doesn’t feel right.
Sarah Marshall: Okay, well did you, you know what? Did you drink today? Because sometimes when you drink…
Peter Bretter: Excuse me. No, I haven’t had anything to drink today. Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so my cock doesn’t want to be around you anymore! Okay? EVER! Because you know what I just realized? You’re the goddamn devil!

21 Comments

  1. all great movies but our favorite was cruel intentions.. Ryan Phillipe was so yummy!
    xoxo

    1. Abbi

      I was totally in love with him when it came out. He was such a bad boy! Xx

  2. V

    Brilliant list. 😀 Really enjoyed that. Love the rehabilitation scale too!

    1. Abbi

      Thanks so much! I’m really glad you liked it!

    2. It was a very nice touch 🙂

  3. Abbi, fun post! Yep, they are all rats. Glad you mentioned ‘Fatal Attraction’.

    1. Abbi

      Thanks! I have to admit that watching Fatal Attraction I kind of felt like he deserved what he got.

  4. Hahaha ‘Pi-rat’! Love it!

    1. Abbi

      I’m nothing if not cheesy. 😛

  5. Fiona is such a b%$#^! All they at least they made a very good song out of it! That movie may not be a critical hit or anything but I loved the shit out of it as a kid! Great time! That is funny that Elizabeth Swann made the list! She does deserve it!

    1. Abbi

      Eurotrip is so silly but I love Matt Damon’s cameo in it and Scotty Doesn’t Know is unforgettable. Elizabeth Swann is such a selfish person. From day one it is ALL about her.

  6. Great list! Loved the Pi-rat thing! LOL

    1. Abbi

      Thanks! I can’t believe how popular pi-rat is turning out to be!

  7. I’ve seen 8.5 of these. I love these lists.

    1. Abbi

      Which was the .5? I’m so glad you’re having as much fun with them as I am.

      1. Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I missed the first half.

        1. Abbi

          You should give it another go. The first half is hilarious.

  8. Got to have Bond on the list, he’s the original player.

    1. Abbi

      He is the mac daddy of playas!

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