My top 10 movie masturbation scenes

Some time ago the lovely Cinema Parrot Disco did a Top Five Movie Scenes of Self-Pleasure and I thought… what a frigging fantastic idea. So I’ve done my own version (I promise I don’t just spend all my time nicking other people’s ideas… it’s just that some of them are so darned good!).

Mia Wasikowska in Park Chan-wook's StokerIndia Stoker in Stoker (2013)
Played by: Mia Wasikowska
Subject of the self abuse: A murder India committed earlier… awkward
Scene of the crime: The shower
Caught by: A lucky escape
Props: No
“India Stoker: Have you ever seen a picture of yourself, taken when you didn’t know you were being photographed, from an angle that you don’t usually see when you look in a mirror, and you think: “That’s me… that’s ALSO me.” Do you know what I’m talking about?
Whip: I think I do. So you are surprised at yourself? Does that mean you are not afraid of being touched anymore?
India Stoker: Please don’t spoil it.

shameBrandon in Shame (2011)
Played by: Michael Fassbender
Subject of the self abuse: Everything, it seems
Scene of the crime: Err… all over the place. Toilet cubicle being the one that stands out.
Props: None
Caught by: His own ailing conscience
“Brandon: Hey slut, wanna do it?”

sex-scene-in-her-movieTheodore Twombly in Her (2013)
Played by: Joaquin Phoenix
Subject of the self abuse: A woman in a chatroom… who wants to be choked by a dead cat
Scene of the crime: In bed
Caught by: Probably loads of CCTV cameras
Props: His communication device and earpiece
“Alien Child: I hate women. All they do is cry all the time.
Theodore: That’s not true. You know men cry too. I actually like crying sometimes. It feels good.
Alien Child: I did not know you were a little pussy. Is that why you don’t have a girlfriend? I’m going out on that date and fuck her brains out and show you how its done. You can watch and cry.
Samantha: Ok, this kid has problems.
Alien Child: You have some fucking problems, lady.
Samantha: Really? Ok, I’m gonna go.
Alien Child: Get out of here, fatty!

secretaryLee Holloway in Secretary (2002)
Played by: Maggie Gyllenhaal
Subject of the self abuse: Being spanked by her boss
Scene of the crime: Her childhood bed
Caught by: Totally private
Props: A hairbrush
“E. Edward Grey: It’s your behavior.
Lee: What about my behavior?
E. Edward Grey: It’s very bad.

Picture 34Nina Sayers in Black Swan (2010)
Played by: Natalie Portman
Subject of the self abuse: Her fellow ballerina
Scene of the crime: Bed
Props: The whole bed
Caught by: Her mom
“Nina: It’s called privacy, I’m not 12 anymore!

natm4Janey Briggs in Not Another Teen Movie (2001)
Played by: Chlyler Leigh
Subject of the self abuse: She’s All That
Scene of the the crime: Bed
Props: A very large pink vibrator
Caught by: Her entire family
“Janey: I knew it. That’s a line from “She’s All That”. I masturbate to that movie.
Jake: [to nosy Flight Attendant right behind them] Do you mind?
Airline Clerk: Not at all, I think masturbation is very healthy.”

elles  Anne in Elles (2011)
Played by: Juliette Binoche
Subject of the self abuse: The racy adventures of the prostitutes she is writing about
Scene of the crime: Bathroom
Props: None
Caught by: A victimless crime

Danny_Dyer_Human_Traffic (frame 656) copyMoff in Human Traffic (1999)
Played by: Danny Dyer
Subject of the self abuse: A dirty magazine
Scene of the crime: His bedroom floor
Props: Just the magazine
Caught by: His mom
“Moff: I’m making love to the music man. And believe me, I can go all night.

american-pie-crop-1Jim Levenstein in American Pie (1999)
Played by: Jason Biggs
Subject of the self abuse: Nadia, a glamorous foreign exchange student
Scene of the crime: The kitchen
Props: A warm apple pie
Caught by: His dad
“Jim’s Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of
[hesitates]
Jim’s Dad: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud.
[pause]
Jim’s Dad: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.”

American-Beauty-Masturbation  Lester Burnham in American Beauty (1999)
Played by: Kevin Spacey
Subject of the self abuse: His daughter’s pretty friend
Scene of the crime: The shower
Props: No
Caught by: His wife
“Lester Burnham: Look at me, jerking off in the shower… This will be the high point of my day; it’s all downhill from here.

34 Comments

  1. MIB

    Oh you’ve limited your list to mainstream films… 😛

    1. Abbi

      I’ve limited my list to films I’ve actually seen…

  2. You’re going to get some crazy search terms from now on!

    1. Abbi

      Can’t be much worse than what I already get

  3. Ooh, naughty topic for a top 10. I love it! The Stoker scene is so creepy. American Beauty is a classic; it had to be here. Also, Shame, but if I had to pick, I’d go with the one where he’s mastrubating furiously (literally) in front of the mirror and then gets caught by his sister. Awkward! Even more awkward and so unsettling is the one in Black Swan. That shit gave me chills. And the one in Her is funny and oh-so-uncomfortable.

    1. Abbi

      Life is no fun if you don’t get to be naughty some of the time 😉 Great choice for Shame! I tried to find the quote from Her about the dead cat but sadly no luck. That was the moment I knew I was going to love the film.

      1. I agree! And thanks, hehe 😉 It’s hard to erase that scene from my memory!

        That thing with the cast is hilarious and so, so strange.

      2. That cat-scene is hilarious! So weird. Loved it!

  4. theipc

    Very nice!!

    1. Abbi

      Thanks! Making sure I keep it classy.

      1. theipc

        Always!!

    2. Filthy, Eric. FILTH! ; )

      1. theipc

        FILTHE and PERVERSION!!

        I learned from the blogging best.

        ( ! )

  5. Saw the pingback thingy at work today & couldn’t reply! Hahaha! I LOVE that you did this list. I often think “if my family ever find my blog, that self-pleasure post is the first one I’ll have to delete”. ; ) Can’t remember if I put in Not Another Teen Movie – maybe as an honorable mention. That was hilarious! And I hadn’t seen Stoker or Shame yet then. I’m hoping to see Her tomorrow! Great choices! Wow… This is done a lot in movies… : )

    1. Abbi

      You are always an inspiration! And you are right… it’s impressive that so many movies are such wankfests! Lol!

      1. Haha! I love the word wank!!!

        1. Abbi

          It’s such a fabulously British word.

    2. Oh no, you have to see Shame! Well, it’s quite depressing but there is something unforgettable.

      1. I did and I’ve reviewed it now. ; ) Just hadn’t seen it yet when I made the list! Good film! : )

        1. Good. It’s a must see.

  6. Stoker had a funny one. She gets turned on by some sick stuff! Really enjoyed the one in Her as well! Good choices Abby!

    1. Abbi

      Thanks! Yeah she really is a weird one…

  7. Haha! Great post Abbi. Who doesn’t enjoy throwing one out on occasion? 😉

    1. Abbi

      Thanks! It’s a healthy natural activity…

      1. Indeed it is! “…It happens to be sex with someone I love” 😉

  8. […] and then as always go check out her fantastic site for inspirational weight loss stories & her top 10 movie masterbation scenes. I’m not even making that up…….click the link if you don’t believe me […]

  9. jmount43

    One of these days, Abbi, I am going to send you a picture of myself. That way if I ever become a famous actor and I am in a ‘masturbation’ scene and you are watching you will spit out whatever you might have in your mouth at that particular moment and say, “Holy shit! I know that guy!” 🙂 😉 😀

    1. Abbi

      That would be AWESOME! This happens to be the most popular post I have ever written by the way. Lol!

      1. jmount43

        It’s popular because you shoot straight and don’t jerk people around.

  10. […] pretty popular with wankers (see red underlined terms)… probably my own fault because of this post. So I’d just like to say welcome to all masturbation fans. Please bring your own tissues. I […]

  11. […] pull of the Top 10 Movie Masturbation Scenes has not lessened in any way, which you can see from the searches underlined in red but there are […]

  12. Thanks for the follow. Sorry it’s late, but I have been on holiday. (I’m going with ‘Secretary’ on this one.) Best wishes, Pete.

    1. abbiosbiston

      You’re most welcome. You come highly recommended. Glad you had fun with Secretary 😉

  13. […] has to be My Top 10 Movie Masturbation Scenes. Although it is more than five years old, it is still one of the most popular things I have ever […]

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