A couple of weeks ago I did a top 10 on the male movie characters I’ve had the biggest crushes on over the years and while I am generally a lady who is attracted to gentlemen I have to admit that every now and then an actress will be so hot on screen that I might find myself thinking… well maybe… these are my top 10. (During this process I have realised that I am attracted to women who are insane. It’s probably a good thing I’m straight).
The Bride in Kill Bill vol 1 (2003) and Kill Bill vol 2 (2004)
Played by: Uma Thurman
What makes her hot?: The Bride is such a bad ass but she’s also really vulnerable.
Would I go for a beer with her?: Only if I was very sure I was on her good side
The Bride: [voiceover narration] As I lay in the back of Buck’s truck, trying to will my limbs out of entropy, I could see the faces of the c*nts that did this to me and the dicks responsible. Members all of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. When fortune smiles on something as violent and ugly as revenge, it seems proof like no other, that not only does God exist, you’re doing His will.
Corey in Empire Records (1996)
Played by: Liv Tyler
What makes her hot: It’s the lips and her ability to fly into an impressive rage.
Would I go for a beer with her: Hell yeah!
“Corey: So is this how your life’s gonna be now, huh? You’re just gonna screw every has-been until your tits fall down and they don’t want you anymore?“
Mallory Knox in Natural Born Killers (1994)
Played by: Juliette Lewis
What makes her hot: She’s completely wild and utterly terrifying, which somehow works.
Would I go for a beer with her: Not unless I had death wish
“[after beating the hell out of the guy at the diner]
Mallory: How sexy am I now, huh? Flirty boy! How sexy am I now?“
Maggie Beauford in Lawless (2012)
Played by: Jessica Chastain
What makes her hot?: She’s so elegant and dignified but with a fiery core.
Would I go for a beer with her?: No question
“Maggie Beauford: [to Forrest Bondurant] Isn’t that just like you to believe your own damn legend?“
Mal in Inception (2010)
Played by: Marion Cotillard
Why is she hot?: Her accent could melt butter from a mile away
Would I go for a beer with her?: Tough one… she’s mostly not real in the film
“Mal: What are you doing here?
Ariadne: My name is…
Mal: I know who you are. What are you doing here?
Ariadne: I’m just trying to understand…
Mal: How could you understand? Do you know what it is to be a lover? To be half of a whole?
Mal: I’ll tell you a riddle. You’re waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you; but you don’t know for sure. But it doesn’t matter. How can it not matter to you where that train will take you?
Cobb: Because you’ll be together.“
Marla Singer in Fight Club (1999)
Played by: Helena Bonham Carter
What makes her sexy: She’s kind of rough and dirty and edgy and bad… and it’s awesome
Would I go for a beer with her?: Absolutely and it would probably end in tears
“[after vigorous sex with Tyler Durden]
Marla Singer: My God. I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school.“
Queen Victoria in The Young Victoria (2009)
Played by: Emily Blunt
What makes her hot?: At a time when women didn’t get to have much of a say in things she was a strong and very powerful woman. Also Emily Blunt is in my mind one of the most beautiful women who has ever lived
Would I go for a beer with her?: Pretty sure the queen wasn’t in the habit of drinking beer with peasants
“Queen Victoria: I will not have my role usurped! I wear the crown! And if there are mistakes they will be my mistakes, and no one else will make them! No one, not even you!
Prince Albert: I am leaving before you excite yourself and harm the child.
Queen Victoria: You will go when I dismiss you. I am your queen, and I am telling you to stay!
Prince Albert: Good night, Victoria.
Queen Victoria: [storms over to door] You may not go! You may not go! I order you to stay here in this room! Albert!“
Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)
Played by: Audrey Hepburn
Why is she hot?: She is utterly luminous. It’s impossible not to fall in love with her
Would I go for a beer with her?: Yup… and we probably wouldn’t have to pay for it
“Holly Golightly: Promise me one thing: don’t take me home until I’m drunk – very drunk indeed.“
Rosalyn Rosenfeld in American Hustle (2013)
Played by: Jennifer Lawrence
What makes her hot?: Everything.
Would I go for a beer with her?: Yes… especially if I could go back in time to do it in the 70’s
“Irving Rosenfeld: [Rosalyn has accidentally destroyed their new microwave] I told you not to put metal in the science oven, what did you do that for?
Rosalyn Rosenfeld: Don’t make such a big deal! Just get another one.
Irving Rosenfeld: I don’t want another one, want the one that Carmine gave me.
Rosalyn Rosenfeld: [mocking] Oh, Carmine! I want the one that Carmine gave me! Carmine! Carmine!
Rosalyn Rosenfeld: Why don’t you just marry Carmine? Get a little gold microwave and put it on a chain around your neck! You wanna be more like Carmine? Why don’t you build something, like he does? Instead of all your empty deals; they’re just like your fuckin’ science oven. You know, I read that it takes all of the nutrition out of our food! It’s empty, just like your deals. Empty! Empty!
Irving Rosenfeld: Bullshit.
Rosalyn Rosenfeld: It’s not bullshit! I read it in an article, look: By Paul Bradeur
[hands Irving the article]
Rosalyn Rosenfeld: . Bring something into this house that’s gonna take all the nutrition out of our food and then light our house on fire? Thank God for me.“
Caroline Mathilde in A Royal Affair (2012)
Played by: Alicia Vikander
What makes her hot?: She’s such a natural unassuming beauty who displays great passion and conviction
Would I have a beer with her: If I could get her out of her sexy doctor’s arms for long enough
“Johann Friedrich Struensee: Your majesty.
Caroline Mathilde: You recognized me.
Johann Friedrich Struensee: I would recognize you blindfolded.
Caroline Mathilde: But your costume is not very imaginative.
Johann Friedrich Struensee: I’m afraid I’m not very good at the masquerade.
Caroline Mathilde: I believe this is the one night when everyone can be themselves.
Caroline Mathilde: But you never remove your mask. Do you?“