Don’t believe everything you see on Comic Relief…

I said wasn’t going to blog this… and I know it is probably very wrong and I will go to hell and burn in all eternity for being evil… but it’s become too good not to share with everyone… and dude, if you read this, no disrespect but buy an atlas and maybe a TV and the watch the news.

As you all know, I do the internet dating thing. Sometimes it’s a winner and sometimes… well you get total GENIUSES like the guy I’m about to share with you below. These are excerpts from an email exchange between me and said boy… as context, when this starts I have told him that I am South African and living in London . As much as it pains me, I have not corrected his spelling or grammar.

Anonymous boy: What is it you got in the way of terrain out there?
My ignorence fueled by years of comic relief tell me it’s a dust ball of a desert, mostly flat and dry with a tree every mile or so? I mean no dis-respect, I could google it I suppose, but this way is more fun.

Abbi: As for terrain, I’ve got to say I’m absolutely baffled by where you might have gotten the impression that South Africa was mostly desert since all they ever seem to show is Cape Town , which is very green and has loads of beautiful beaches?? Basically the terrain varies massively, it’s a very big country. There is a desert in the Karoo but it’s only a small area. In Johannesburg , where I grew up and the rest of the Highveld, it’s savannah grassland so big plains, lots of ridges. The centre of the country is hilly and dry but lots of trees. Down the East Coast is subtropical, so dark sand beaches and banana trees. South Coast is white sand beaches and windy. We also have forests along the Garden Route and mountains in the midlands.

Anonymous boy: I never considered that Africa had all those things in it. I spent a few months on Gran Canerra so I sampled a part of the climate. Sounds like if you like the outdoors it’s all there?
Comic relief and charity adverts have alot to answer for really.

Abbi: Well being that Africa is a pretty big continent; it has as wide a range of climates and terrain as Eurasia or either of the Americas . I was just talking about South Africa anyway.

Anonymous boy: Well there we go Africa , not the struggling hell hole it was sold to me as. . . next time I see Lenny Henry I’m going to brain him.. . .
Definatly sounds like a post colonial thing, I mean look at the America ‘s. Mind you thinking abou it, if it was back in the day of the Great British empire I suppose having something to prove was the fashion. I mean moving/invading another country and being dis-connected to blighty. . . perhaps it was ment to be this way to preserve what old school English values were left in a foreign country?
Quite funny to think of the America Empire at the moment in comparison. At least we were poplar when we were milking the resoures from other counties with a hand full of men with silver tongues.. Do you have any questions? Or would you like me to oontinue interveiwing you? (your doing very well)

Abbi: I’m not sure the terrain and whether Africa is struggling are the same issues. Some of the most beautiful places in the world are the ones where the most poverty and destitution happens. Anyway, again, my ACTUAL experience is limited to South Africa, I’ve never lived anywhere else in Africa. ‘d like to know who exactly you think the British were popular with during Imperialism. I can tell you it wasn’t the people in the countries they were raping for resources.

Anyway… interview away if you want… it’s entertaining finding out how generally oblivious people are to anything outside their immediate frame of reference.

Strangely I don’t think Anonymous Boy and I will ever make love…